Assalamualaikum wbt
Its not long after my recent post kan? I have the urge to write something. Actually I miss my old me in this space. I wrote as if it was not a big deal. I loss the passion I own. Lately Im not sure if I want something. Im not sure if I deserve to have something. Im not sure if I deserve to be happy. I question myself literally everyday. But umm sorry for the yap.
I was planning to continue the 2024's summary but it got me thinking what if I dont deserve to write about it? You see it wasnt just my story to tell. Im not the main character to tell the story. But life's so unfair. Rasa bersalah, it never left me at all. Aku masih dibelenggu apa yang terjadi. Whats most terrible is how my surrounding would adapt.
Banyak kata yang aku tak patut ucap, banyak perkara I am holding rn. I glued myself back to back it wasnt easy. To be a prime witness, to have to remember all the word, to have to know and never tell single soul. My feeling is everywhere. Damn literally.
"Kau okay ke?"
"Kenapa jadi macam tu?"
Siapa yang betul-betul kenal aku, mesti tau aku ni over-sharing. But Im not anymore. Not after that particular reason. Aku dah berubah. Dari cerita semua benda penting dekat orang yang aku suka to lupakan je lah. Maybe ah sebab aku rasa orang mesti tak peduli. Siapa nak layan cerita benda sama tiap-tiap hari. Im not even a family why would I overreact eh?
Dia, aku kenal dari September, 2023. Masatu tengok dia? Lawa. Tapi aku tak pernah ambik pusing. Untuk berkawan dengan dia jauh sekali. Sebab dia berkawan dengan orang yang aku tak suka. Siapa lah aku untuk control semua orang nak berkawan dengan siapa? Aku biarkan.
"bawa mannequin"
Begitu lah first event diluar. Aku tetap asingkan diri. Sebab aku ni awkward. Tak pandai bergaul. Diorang gelak, aku senyum, Tiba-tiba aku diletakkan berdekatan meja dia. Setiap hari tengok dia. Jauh tapi cukup untuk bersembang dengan dia hari-hari.
"Cikgu suruh ambik gambar tudung" "Jom lah keluar"
Kenapa aku setuju keluar? Entah. Tapi tak awkward keluar berdua walaupon tak kenal. Mula-mula keluar dekat dengan kedai. Lama-lama hujung dunia sana ajak ambik gambar. Lepastu aku paksa dia cerita. Dia cerita, aku kesian. Aku bagi comfort words. Tu rahsia pertama dia yang aku simpan. Tapi jangan la seronok. Sebab rahsia tu bukan pasal botak tak guna tu.
Kecil betul perkara yang dia buat. Contoh kalau aku kata aku nak balik rumah mak aku esok, dia akan ingat whatsapp "Kak Ida dah sampai ke?" secara tiba-tiba. One time, she saw my car outside cafe. And let me be clear we wasnt friends that time. Dia snap gambar kereta aku tanya "makan ker tu?". Random nya lahai.
Kadang-kadang it left me thinking, what makes her think to befriend of me was a good idea? Im harsh on some people. I get anger quickly before you know. Somehow we manage to get through everyday. Every morning we go 7e, I bought curry puff chicken curry. She, one day taste that curry puff then decided to get the same curry puff once a day. I mean, great. I influence her to like my stuff. I pitch some ideas to make contents on socmed and she made it. Dia manja. Sangat manja, sampai aku anggap dia adik sendiri. One of her friend did say she didnt get manja when the friend around her. In fact she act like older sister to her friend.
Like me, she also the youngest in her family. I think we clique very much by that fact. And in fact, we talk a lot about people we both dont like. Suka lah ada orang yang setuju apa yang kita kata. Dia baik dengan semua orang. Dia berkebolehan. Dia guna apa yang dia tau dan belajar untuk dia survive. Dia berdikari, dia duduk sini sebatang kara je. Dia akan call mak dia, nenek dia di mana je dia berada. Hanta duit ke family dari hasil kerja part time. Aku? Aku pon tak sehebat dan serajin itu.
"Sepanjang mimpi tu dia asyik senyum je"
Rindu ye. Siapa tidak rindu? Sosok tubuh yang ada di sebelah meja setiap hari. Pasang lagu kegemaran dia. Tapi sampah lah. Siapa? Aku lah tu. Untuk orang pengecut macam aku. Satu malam tak tidur sebab takut dia datang dalam mimpi. One of her other friends cakap ada beberapa kawan dekat dah mimpi pasal dia. She's so happy in that dream. Teringat kata-kata dia:
"Nak datang sini lagi, sebab rasa macam balik kampung sendiri"
Dan aku pon berjanji nak ikut dia datang sana lagi. Kawan-kawan dia ramai di sana. Sebab tu dia seronok. Kat sini tak seronok, sebab ada aku rasanya. Aku tak salah kan dia kalau dia tak datang dalam mimpi-mimpi aku. Malah aku sempat bermimpi dia, dia tidak lah happy, tidak juga marah. Dia seperti biasa, pegang phone dan balas Whatsapp customer. Rakan sekerja yang mengganti tempat dia, tak pernah jumpa dia. Tapi bermimpi pasal dia. Duduk di meja kerja, buat kerja seperti biasa. Hampir nak bagitau "terima kasih delete video-video tu".
Aku tidak mengidamkan dia datang ke mimpi aku kalau dia membenci aku. Aku rasa tak layak nak tengok senyuman tu sekali lagi. What brokes me the most, I still see her when I go to work, when I sit in my car and even when Im standing in 7e I could hear her shounting, "Kak Ida! Nak karipap Curry!". I wasnt myself for few months. I hold myself everyday not to post about her, not to post her pictures or even her videos.
On top of that, I lost few friends. I do know someone taking advantages on this situation. A pick me. Oh I see. I have been through this situation. Smells like high school all over again. Been unfollow on ig by someone that have been through with me for 15 days. Irony how people changes.
"Saya janji kalau dah boleh pegi tengok dia, saya kejut akak. Kita terus pegi sama-sama" "Janji eh?" "Janji."
Untuk apa? Dari awal memang aku ni tak penting untuk jadi kawan long term. Dia juga singgah. Aku tak mau menuduh. Baru-baru ni aku baru je tau yang lagi sorang block aku from all socmed. And someone definitely berbanga with that result. AMBIL LAH SEMUANYA. Theres no any single thing that I own. Besides, my voice is not that important. Not important sampai korang semua tak nak datang untuk dengar dari side aku?
It is feel like hell.
Pains.
Feel likes someone stabs me from back. Right through my heart.
Anyway, thanks for reading. At the end of this post I just realize it doesnt matter anymore. It couldnt bring her back. Everything changes, people changes, feeling changes. It doesnt matter to anyone if Im hurt, people gonna toss what I actually felt. I actually glued myself again and again till theres no hole to occupied. It may seems fragile, but I will definitely come back stronger.
Fun post soon? x
